Ramblings

Break-up letter

Wed, 13 Jul 2011 17:16:14 -0400

Dearest Air Cast,

I think it’s time we stopped seeing each other. While I’ve genuinely appreciated the support you’ve offered me during these past five weeks, I’ve also found you to be annoying, physically repulsive, and clingy. I haven’t been able to go anywhere without you!

I’ve decided to go back to my normal way of living, unburdened by your heavy weight and suffocating wrap around my body. And, my doctor thinks this is a good idea as well.

Perhaps you can find another man with size 12 feet to partner with.

Thanks again for your support, but good riddance!

Your friend,
Marty

TumblerWave

Sat, 2 Apr 2011 22:26:29 -0400

Over two years ago I rambled about a “Five Senses Nukeulator” microwave concept based on the idea that there’s a definite need to improve my microwave cooking skills.

A few days ago, after my third attempt at re-microwaving my lunch to remove the chill from the middle of my mac-n-cheese-n-chicken concoction, I had another idea. We need to develop a TumblerWave!

Quite simply, the TumblerWave combines a microwave and a front-loading laundry dryer all into one kitchen appliance. It would eliminate the ritual of impatiently gazing through the microwave door, waiting for your food to exhibit some visual cue of being heated. How unproductive.

Instead, the TumblerWave will allow you to watch your lunch bounce and crash around as it’s simultaneously stirred for a perfectly even distribution of heat. Just scrape it out of the chamber when the food is done cooking, and you’re good to go.

Imagine how fun and easy cooking could finally be!

A few notes short

Sun, 13 Mar 2011 13:02:32 -0400

I love cranking the stereo in the car as I belt out the latest pop and rock hits.

The problem? My vocal range spans approximately five notes, and those five notes seem to jump all over the music scale in an act of Marty-mockery. Some people simply aren’t born to sing. I happen to be one of those people.

As long as I’m singing alone in the car with windows closed, that’s not really a problem. But alas, spring is here; my left finger is trembling with anticipation to drop the car window, and my right hand is anxious to be flung through moon roof in a spirited rock fist.

So, I apologize in advance. In the coming weeks of warmer weather, if you hear a strange sounding voice as you drive down the road, it’s probably me!

Tousle me

Sat, 5 Feb 2011 22:37:28 -0500

I don’t mind going to the dentist. Really, I don’t. I find it somewhat relaxing to lay in the chair with my eyes closed, envisioning what the masked lady must be seeing as she somehow carries on a full conversation with me while working her teeth-cleaning magic.

It’s the end of the appointment that I dread; as soon as I get up from the chair, I can instinctively feel the three-inch wide dent of smashed hair from laying there for the past half hour. Behold, dental bedhead!

So here’s my request. Just one little, tiny request for dental offices all over America.

Pretty pretty please, equip the front desk receptionists with basic training in hair styling. And give them a bottle of hair gel. Or hair spray. Even mousse will do the trick. All I’m asking is to have the nice lady behind the counter tousle me so I can proudly go back to the office without dental bedhead.

Face time

Sat, 29 Jan 2011 22:46:26 -0500

Tonight I put away the homework for a few minutes to come up for a breath of fresh air.

I needed to remind myself that when life's schedule gets ultra-busy, the best remedy may be to simply smash your face on scanner/printer, push the green button, and remember to not take life too seriously.

(Remember to clean off the glass when you’re done having fun.)